Sandy’s Place – South African Lifestyle Blog
Lifestyle,  Ramblings of a beautiful mind

Sipping Tea… .Womxn need a safe space

So a friend of mine and I were having a venting session over some fermented grapes and lamb curry (When I tell you a story I mention everything!). I think it was the good food that made the vent happen so easily guys we went hard (on the venting not the grapes! it was cathartic)


It was at this DMC (deep meaningful conversation) that we realized how tired we were of some of the destructive, hindering and damn outright outdated nonsensical narratives. The first being this unbelievable strength that we as womxn are meant to have. No I am not talking about the strength of team nyamezela the one rewarded with a ring. Cause you were the one who stuck around through all “the hard times” (his infidelity).

Sips tea

I am not talking about the strength of having to be that day one! That ride or die (on that note why aren’t we flying if riding is so dangerous?). Only to be left behind for someone who he relates to his current status cause you see you no longer possess the necessary skillset for his elevated life.


I am not talking about the strength of having to endure rape, molestation or any other assault on your person only to be the same womxn that cannot have this affect your relationship with males.  The womxn who endures a lot and yet is calm, serene, the ever ready peacemaker. The one who must be okay with men invading her personal space and chalk it up to boys being boys or “he is just a naturally friendly guy”

I am not talking about the strength of being the prayer warrior .The one who is always strong the one who must have enough shoulder to cry on for everyone. The one who cannot be weak or express emotion most especially anger. On that note of being angry never has one emotion been villainized especially when attributed to womxn it needs to stop! Let us express ourselves however we want we are emotional because we are passionate and we are human. So even if we cry when we are angry do not dismiss us or the valid points we make.

Aren’t you exhausted from saying amen? From rolling your eyes throughout this post? but most especially from being either one or all of these womxn? I know I am. So let us make a pact that we stop being the gatekeepers of patriarchy and dismantle these narratives the moment someone tries to utter such tomfoolery around us.

Let us make a pact to be kinder to ourselves and be unapologetic in our strength that is covered in lacy femininity and all other levels of badassery.  Now it’s not all doom and gloom, I see you amazing womxn saying enough is enough. Now we just need to wake up the rest.

One last plea we need a space to say I am not ok. It doesn’t have to be a huge space it doesn’t have to have the answers it just needs to be a safe space where we can totally be ourselves. Can you promise today to step out and say you will make that space even if it’s just for one person? Even if that person is you.

The sad thing is when I originally wrote this post the numbers of femicide were not escalating at the current proportions, I am not yet at a place where I can speak my truth on the current state of affairs. All I can ask is senzeni na? what have we done?

As always I love to hear from you and engage with you on your feelings? Save a life and share this post.


  • afemmesresponse

    This highlights how ridiculous the pressure is on women to be everything to everyone all at once… how can we not be angry? We are stretched too damn thin guys! The emotional labour that is expected of us is just too much, and the worst part is that it does not even pay, and more often than not, we get nothing out of it! We need to start reimagining our strength and what we want to direct it towards. We need to be strong for ourselves first. If no one finds those “incase of emergency, help yourself FIRST then those around you” notes on flights weird, then us being strong for ourselves FIRST shouldn’t be a foreign concept either. We are womxn, not supernatural beings, we cannot pour from empty cups. There’s only so much you can give yourself to, and to recognise that is a strength in and of itself. Please keep having and writing about these conversations, they are such a necessary narrative! More women that are finding the solution could help us from widespread depression!

    • sandyspl

      We are angry and we are damn tired. Thank you for your words and yes I will definately do my part and keep writing so that we can have better more realistic narratives. If it helps one sister who is down on her last than I am glad.

  • Shahieda

    So I think u took the words out of my mouth. The past week has been so tremendously tough, to a point where I had a little break down. Like u say we meant to be tough but we are so afraid to say I’M NOT OK. I realised the other day it’s OK to have a break down, initially I was soooo embarrassed as I was standing in a post office, but u know what I felt soooo much better. Thank u friend u just helped my healing process along even more. Love u lots

    • sandyspl

      It is ok to be not be okay and admit and take time to have your release ( whether its laughing or crying). What is not ok is to bottle it up we are too important. Take care of yourself hun. Love you too friend

  • Siphosethu Ncapayi

    Hey, I love this post and all of the previous one’s, but this one really spoke to me.

    In this cruel world that we living in where adulting is as harder living to survive than living life is having living and growing up having to be a strong black child that you only feel weak when you want to say to yourself “You tired. It’s okay not to have it on lock or figured out, that it’s okay not to be okay” and not feel guilty about it.

    Pheeew thank you for that. This life thing is hard but having a strong support system and a circle that accepts me for who I am and love me unconditionally with no measure is amazin.

    Thank you!

    • sandyspl

      Hi Hun , firstly thank you for your support. I am glad that this post spoke to you. This has been weighing on me too, its tough out there and yes we definitely need a strong support system. There is no shame in saying you are not coping, regroup and start over.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: